Without My Courage
by TeaBrew
Summary: "Why does he always manage to bring out the worst in me? Him and Takeru?" Yamato's POV. Taito. Mild swearing, minimal violence. What does Yamato do when he has no courage? Finds someone who has, naturally...


Okay peoples, *rubs hands together* here we go! Ahem, this is my first ever Digimon fic so bear with me. Technically second since I finished "The Not So Worst Semi-Bad Birthday" first, but meh… *shrugs* Thanks for all the reviews on that one as well! I never realised the demand for Taito b'day fics was so great… @_@;;

Yamato and Taichi are around 17 in here. The lyrics wa~ay down are from Linkin Park's "Easier To Run"; suits Yamato all good-like in this fic. Quick lesson on my screwed up way of speech:

'courage' = regular ol' bravado-type-stuff.

'Courage' = is about Taichi's Crest.

Ie: when you hear 'friendship' and 'Friendship' it's the same deal.

When you see stuff like _"blahblah…"_ it means that little voice inside Yamato's head is talking to him. Regular italics are snippets of speech that Yamato is remembering. Got it? Well get it! And the whole deal with calling them "Keepers" is the same deal (well they _are_ the keepers of their Crests). Or something to that end…

Lesse here… Taito fic. Ie: Yamato and Taichi getting together in a more-than-friendship type of way! Severe emotional bashing on Yamato's part (poor lad, but I like my bishounen to suf~fer). Nothing suicidal, but damn…he sure has a lot of teenage angst… Uber mild swearing too; nothing too indecent. Friggin mild.

~~~

Without My Courage…

~~~

I lay on my bed, tired and sore. It was mid-afternoon I guess; I wasn't sure because I'd been here all day with my curtains drawn. The fight hadn't gone well yesterday and I'd skipped school because of it.

Some wacko at school challenged me and I just didn't care.

He beat the living snot out of me and I just didn't care.

I never fought back because I just…

I just…

It was those eyes that made me stop because I never had the courage to start.

I never had that Courage…

"Yamato!" Shit. "Yama-chan, it's me! Where are you?" Takeru. Little brother. Worst known for annoying me constantly when I'm depressed. I just rolled over and faced my wall, half curling up because my leg was cold and hurting.

"Yamato?" his voice was clearer as he opened my door and stood in the entrance, his silhouette across my wall showing off his unkempt hair. He's probably been worrying all day long about me and ran here right after school just to see me. "Yamato…" he said softly, almost whining, as he padded into my room.

I felt a thump on my bed as he sat down next to my still form. "Yamato, you got into a fight yesterday didn't you?" Heh. Gets right to the point doesn't he? I sigh and close my eyes; maybe he'll go away if I say something.

"No, I didn't…" I replied quietly. My voice cracked, my throat was sore from where that punk had tried to punch me and hit my neck instead. Hurt like hell at the time… "I didn't fight…" He huffed in reply and shifted around some. "Liar. You're bruised and bleeding and you skipped school today. What happened Yamato?"

I said nothing for a moment. I'd already told him what happened; I didn't fight, that was the truth. "I didn't fight _back_. Satisfied?" I said bluntly. He knows why I didn't fight back; hell, him of all people should know. Takeru sighed and stood up again, the bedsprings squeaking slightly from the loss of weight. I felt as he carefully pulled my blanket over me and padded away, stopping in the door.

"Yamato…" he whispered. What now? I half turned my head around and made a sound of acknowledgment. He faltered for a moment and the silence got to me. I rolled over onto my back and stared at him as he stood with his back to me. "Takeru?" His fingers tightened on my doorframe at my voice, one finger scratching at the wood.

"Yama-chan…just…" he sighed and shook his head quickly. "I know why…you didn't fight back…" he said somewhat awkwardly. My eyebrows knit above my eyes in a show of mild confusion and he stopped his finger from moving. "I was there, watching… I saw what stopped you…" he continued, softer then before. "Yama-chan…Yamato," he corrected himself. He always corrected himself when he was serious about something. "You don't have to falter everytime… You have more courage than you think, so use it…"

And with that, he left, shutting my door behind him. I stared at the closed door for a while, a little unsure of what to make of our little tête-à-tête at first. I frowned, closing my eyes and brushing my blonde bangs out of my face, letting my arm rest above my head on my pillow. That was the thing with Takeru; you could never take anything at face value with him. I knew what his words meant of course. He had known about my feelings ever since he was a little kid. Hell, he still is a little kid; he's only half way through junior high.

I'm still in senior high.

Still in my useless band.

Still a complete loner from everyone.

I opened my eyes.

…

Still without courage…

***

I pulled my sleeveless jacket closer around my neck, letting a shiver escape me in a wisp of curly steam. It was a freezing cold winter morning and the light snow that had fallen overnight only served to fuel the lingering cold. I pulled my hands into the warm depths of my long skivvy sleeves and folded my arms close to my body. The cuts on my face from the fight last week were starting to ache from the cold. I hate the cold.

I frowned to myself.

It lingers for so long…

"Yamato!" a happy voice behind me laughed and I kept walking. Leave me alone for god's sake… Heavy footsteps pounded on the pavement behind me and I heard sounds of someone very out of breath next to me. "Dammit slow down Yamato!" another laugh and someone snagged my arm, pulling me to a harsh stop. Not to mention nearly pulling me off my feet and onto the cold ground.

I spun around angrily, fist whipping out, cocked and ready to beat the living snot out of someone. I nearly choked on my breath as Taichi practically jumped back from my hand. "Whoa! Yamato man! It's just me!" he said hurriedly, hands raised in defence. I sighed and shook my head, tucking my hand back into my sleeve and pressing it against my chest again. One of these days I'm going to follow through…

He laughed and fell into step next to me as I walked along. "Taichi, what are you doing here?" I asked, eyes boring into his head.  He grinned and folded his arms behind his head, his pale blue jacket pulling up at his waist and showing off his stomach. How the hell could he _not_ feel the cold air on his bare skin? Brain dead idiot…

"Well Sora got ticked at me cause I said I wouldn't go shopping with her today," he said still grinning. "I told her 'well who would want to go out in such damn cold weather?' and she just got so steamed at me for not telling her I had a soccer match earlier then today." I couldn't help but smile at him; he loved to tease poor Sora because she had the wildest crush on him and he knew it. And because of it, there was this small spark of hope inside of me that just wished that…

"So that's why I'm here," he butted into my thoughts. Perfect timing too; lustful thoughts are worst when in public view. I nodded quickly, covering up my train of thought with some visible understanding. "So you ditched Sora again?" I asked quietly. I could practically see the unease churning in his head; it was written all over his face. "Well…not _ditched_ exactly_…_"

I smiled. "Just forgotten for the moment?" I couldn't help but chuckle softly. "You will never get yourself a girl while you still have soccer in your life Taichi…" I told him matter-of-factly. The brunette just laughed and nodded. "Too true Yamato!" he laughed. "So you wanna come?"

I nearly stumbled over. What the hell!? He grabbed my arm and I forced a sheepish grin as he helped me stand up straight again. "Slippery spot I guess…" I mumbled. "What was that?" He rolled his eyes and let go of my arm, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Duh! Soccer match Yamato! It's on in an hour and since Hikari got her ticket from Takeru – they're going together – that's left me with a spare," he flashed me a hopeful grin. "Wanna come?" He pulled his hand out and waved the small piece of card in front of me.

I stopped and stared at it for a second. "On one condition Taichi," I said carefully, eyes returning to his coffee coloured ones. "I get to sit in the third row this time." He considered my words for a moment, blinking at me in a complete blank before he snickered and burst out laughing, nearly doubling over from the action. I smirked at him as he stood up and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"Deal Yamato!" He chuckled and handed me the ticket as we continued walking. It was a known fact I was perversely deterred from going to any of Taichi's soccer matches because of the last one I attended. He thought it was absolutely hilarious that a ball he once deflected came shooting straight for my head, missing any vitals only by my hasty reaction of scrambling to the third row.

I smiled to myself as we headed for the indoor sports place. Maybe he'd miss this time and hit someone else instead…

***

I crossed the empty floor and headed for the guys locker room. The game had just finished – Taichi's team winning twenty-four to fifteen – and I wanted to congratulate the guy. I stopped in the centre of the field, looking first at one goal, my eyes travelling down the lines on the floor, then gazing up at the other goal. I let a tiny smile escape my lips as I spied a ball on the sidelines.

So what if I can't play soccer? It's still fun to kick a ball around every once in a while, even if you had the aim of a drunken spoon. And I knew the basics of how to control and kick the ball so it was a little more enjoyable. I slowly rolled the ball back to the centre of the field with my toe, stopping it and staring at the goal. Taichi can wait a bit; he already knows how good he is anyway.

I smiled to myself and shook my head. "Yamato no baka…" And with that, I kicked the ball as hard as my leg would let me, watching it sail in a perfect arc up and over the goal, smacking into the wall and bouncing back. I burst out laughing and jogged over to catch it before it bounced right out the door. So I can't play soccer if my life depended on it; no biggie. It wasn't like I needed to know how to kick a ball in the Digital World anyway. Holding the ball in my hands, I had to let myself smile; the action had so many memories attached to it.

Gabumon used to always snuggle into my arms like this after a battle. He always claimed it was because he was cold and sore, but I knew better when someone was asking for a hug. True, it usually was cold during the nights in the Digital World, but Gabumon would always sit close to my chest and fall fast asleep in no time.

I clicked back to reality and practically dropped the ball; people would start to think I was weird if I stood there making baby faces at a ball. I closed my eyes and the smile disappeared from my face, placing the ball on the ground again. I didn't need to remember my past, however strange and exciting it was. "But without your past, you're not you Yamato." Thanks to Gabumon's brilliant words of wisdom, I've never been able to let go of my past. I frowned and let my eyes drop to the ball, fists balled lightly at my sides.

Gabumon…

I gave a half-hearted snarl and kicked the ball again, not looking, but hearing as it whacked into the back of the net and bounced to a stop on the ground. Goal. Yay for me, Yamato scores one for the team.

My eyes snapped open when I heard someone clapping from the sidelines and I twisted my head around to see Taichi standing there. He grinned at me as he walked over. "Nice shot Yamato! You should think of joining a team or something!" he laughed at me and I frowned at him. He always had a knack for surprising me at the most inopportune moments.

"How long have you been standing there?" I asked him stonily. He stopped and shrugged at me. "Dunno. Long enough to see you score a goal though," he paused again and frowned lightly at me. "How long have _you_ been standing here?" he asked carefully. I blinked at him as surprise covered my face. "What? The game just finished. I was on my way over to congratulate you and I saw the ball so-"

"Yamato, that was ten minutes ago man," he butted in. I stopped short, eyes drifting to the floor beside us and said nothing for a while. "What's up Yamato?" he asked quietly. "You're never this weird; not even when the Dark Masters separated you from us," his eyes narrowed slightly. "What's wrong?"

For the few seconds I stood there, it felt like an eternity had passed. I mumbled something about being tired and turned on my heel, walking quickly away. Taichi yelled something out to me and ran to my side, grabbing my arm and forcing me to stop and look into his eyes. I shoved his arm off and walked away again, faster this time.

"Yamato! Stop dammit!" Taichi yelled and grabbed my shoulders from behind. I spun around quickly and latched onto his wrist, anger flashing behind my eyes; I knew because I could see the surprise on his face. "Taichi…" I managed to get out. The brunette twisted his arm around in my grip. "Yamato, you're hurting…" he muttered, confusion and pain on his face. I released my strong grip on him and he pulled his hand away, massaging his wrist.

"Taichi, just leave me alone," I told him sternly. I didn't need him to chase me around today. "Stop following me. You're acting like Takeru." His eyes went wide at that and he stammered out some weak form of sound that was supposed to be a protest. I turned on my heel and walked out, shoving my hands in my jeans pockets and walking out into the bitter cold.

***

"You have more courage than you think…" I said quietly to myself as I sat on the park bench that overlooked the river. My favourite place in this whole city. Helped me to think when I was here…alone. I narrowed my eyes. Why did I snap at Taichi like that? I never meant to hurt him, really… It's just… I closed my eyes and sighed. I didn't want him to follow me. I didn't want him to get too close. I didn't want him to see the pain I was feeling at that moment. I have no courage; Takeru was wrong. Feeling so alone without my friend…

Sure I could go and visit Gabumon whenever I wanted, but I'd need to have one of the other Digidestined to take me into the Digital World. I didn't want that. I wanted to be alone with Gabumon, to share my thoughts and problems with him in privacy. Hell, only he and Takeru knew anything about me.

Anything about…

"Um…Yamato?" a nervous voice from behind me spoke softly and I opened my eyes, turning to spy Taichi standing there worriedly. I stared at him for a moment before I turned away and faced the river again. Like I said, surprises me at the most inopportune times…

"What is it Taichi? I thought I told you to leave me alone," I said, carefully keeping my tired voice monotone. There was a pause before he quickly blurted out, "Can I sit down?" I said nothing in reply and felt as he sat down next to me. There was a long stretch of silence between us as we just sat there. "You don't listen very well, do you… I said I wanted to be alone…" Well was he going to speak or sit there like a stoned git? It finally got to me and I sighed, closing my eyes again. "And you say I'm acting weird…" I mumbled, loud enough so he could hear.

"Look, Yamato…" he began quietly. I could easily pick the awkwardness in his voice. "I know something's bugging you. And…and I know that it's got something to do with that fight last week…" he paused again. What was with him? He's never this nervous about anything, not even before a big soccer match or anything. "Well, um… So how are your injuries doing?" He blurted out quickly.

I turned to face him, eyes carefully gazing into his coffee coloured ones. "Taichi, did you follow me all the way across town just to ask me that?" I said, voice laced with obvious tiredness. "Because if you did-"

"Yamato, what's eating you?" There he goes, butting in again. "Now I know you've never liked to open up to anyone and just tell them what's upsetting you, but I seriously think you should this time. I want to help you Yamato, I'm your best friend! Now come on, please?" he finished, looking at me worriedly. I held his gaze for a second longer before I narrowed my eyes at him. "Did Takeru put you up to this?"

Taichi shook his head quickly. "No, not at all. I came here on my own notion," he turned away and stared across the river. There was something unreadable in his expression. "I just…wanted to talk to you…" he trailed off and a warm smile came to his face. "Nice sunset…" he breathed. I smirked at him and shook my head. "I never picked you as the type to sit and watch sunsets. You're more action oriented," I said quietly.

He turned to look at me and I just shrugged at him. "They _were_ prettier in the Digital World though," I told him straight. He said nothing for a moment before he chuckled softly and sunk further into the bench, getting comfortable. "Yeah, I guess they were. So what's up?" Sneaky S.O.B. He tries to get me talking about things before he springs the question on me again. Smart, but sneaky.

"It's just…" I say to him softly. My hand reached up to play with my pendent – a replica of my Crest – out of impulse. Friendship. Me. The loner. It never makes me feel better to know I'm a Crest-bearer though; there are too many responsibilities attached to it. Too many memories… "Just that I…" _You don't have to falter everytime…_

I frowned and close my eyes. It's easier to talk with your eyes closed, I believe. "Takeru told me that…that I have…more courage than I believe…" God this wasn't going well; I was stammering already. "But he was wrong… I only have borrowed confidence. Borrowed from someone who I know I'll never see again."

Gabumon…

"And it's…it's something that sticks with you…" I forced a weak laugh and shook my head. "Well, not for you anyway, you make your own courage; you've got the Crest after all. But I…" I trailed off again, dammit, and I frowned at this. "It's my stupid Crest that keeps on hurting me…" My hand clenched around the pendent almost painfully.

"Yamato…" Taichi whispers, letting a hand fall to my shoulder and waiting until I turned and stared into his eyes. "Why didn't you tell anyone about this before?" he says slowly and quietly. I let my hand fall from my pendent and I turned away from him again. Why does he always manage to bring out the worst in me? Him and Takeru?

"Because…" I said half angrily. "My problems are mine to deal with. Not anyone else's…" I made a move to stand up and he grabbed my arm. He's going to raise welts on my arms if he doesn't stop that soon. I leant back with a sigh, knowing that he's not going to let me leave until I've heard him out. Stubborn ass… "Taichi…"

"Yamato, listen," he says quickly. "I don't want to force this on you, but you have to listen to me. Now everyone's really worried about you – Takeru especially – and we want to help you," he told me sternly. "So come on, let your best friend help you out. A problem shared is a problem halved, right Yamato?" he said with a wide smile. I considered his words for a moment. Should I really open up to him? I mean, he is my best friend and all. Hell, I'm a good friend to everyone thanks to that little trinket.

I sighed on the inside and close my eyes; maybe if I do, then…just maybe…

Shaking my head softly, I stood up and faced away from him. "I'm sorry Taichi, but I just can't. Not even you can help me on this one…" I whispered. I started to walk away and he jumped to his feet. "Yamato wait!" he called, a little too loudly. I stopped and turned to face him, waiting for him to protest vehemently at me for trying to leave. His eyes darted around nervously for a second; his fingers fidgeting. "Um…stay the night?" he says quickly. I blinked at him in confusion. "What?" I said simply.

One hand fidgeted in his pocket and he chewed his bottom lip for a second. "Well I…" he stammered. He released a sharp breath and turned his gaze away; I guess he was having real trouble getting it out. I simply stood there and waited for an answer, folding my arms across my chest. "I…just thought that…that you'd like to sleep over my place tonight," he said finally. "I mean…you haven't slept over for so long now and it…well it…" he met my gaze again. "It'll be fun. We haven't really had a sleep over since leaving the Digital World right?"

I smiled at him and turned back to the river; the sun had just about set, casting a deep vermilion glow on everything. _Nice sunset… They were prettier in the Digital World though…_ Not really, home is much friendlier looking; much more warmer. Not like in the cold…

I suppressed a shiver and hugged my arms closer to myself; the night air was starting to set in so whatever I decided, it'd have to be soon. I turned back to Taichi, my eyes on the ground, and smiled, looking up at him. "Sure…it'll be just like old times hey?" I replied softly. I knew what he was planning of course; he just wanted me to stay the night so he could really drill me for information. Taichi was never subtle before; I guess he finally learned something from his sister.

***

"Mum, I'm home!" Taichi called from the door as he pulled his shoes off. "Mum?" he called again, louder this time. The dark haired woman poked her head out from the kitchen. "Yes dear, I heard you bellow the first time! Oh, hello Yamato! It's nice to see you!" she smiled and waved at me. "Hello Mrs. Yagami. It's nice to see you too," I gave the standard reply as she turned her attentions back to her son.

"Tai-chan, care to explain?" she said in her very motherly sounding voice. Taichi frowned at the name and went a shade of red. "Mum! It's just straight 'Taichi'! Oh and uh, Yamato's gonna stay the night okay?" He flashed her a grin that would put a thousand watt bulb to shame and she merely shook her head and smiled back at him. "Alright then dear, the spare futon is still under your bed isn't it?" The brunette nodded and she disappeared back into the kitchen.

Taichi turned back to me and smiled. "Come on, you can help me set up. This thing weighs a ton, but at least it's soft!" he grinned and shed his outer layer of jacket, showing off a dark blue skivvy. I did the same, hanging up my jacket next to his as he led me off to his room. As he flicked the light on, I was strangely surprised; for a bedroom belonging to Taichi, it was abnormally…tidy. I turned to face him with a dry look and he stared back at me, a blank look on his features. "What?" My eyes narrowed in mild show and I raised an eyebrow. "You had this all planned out didn't you?"

Taichi rubbed the back of his neck absently, walking inside and stooping down in front of his bed. "Nooo…" he drew the word out. "Why would you think that?" he busied himself with pulling out the futon. I walked over to him and helped him pull it out; it _was_ heavy – that and awkward. "Because, your room is so anti-Taichi it's not funny," I explained, receiving a funny look from the teen. "It's too neat to be your room. You never seriously clean unless you've got someone coming over."

Taichi just shrugged and pulled hard on the futon. He frowned and tried again, harder this time. "Stupid thing…" he mumbled, repositioning his grip on the thing. He put all of his strength into it, leaning back almost comically onto his heels. I suppressed a snicker and grabbed harder, turning to him. "Ready? On three," I said. We both tightened our grip and, in unison, cried, "Three!"

We pulled hard and the futon came shooting out, knocking us flat on our backs and partially sliding us across the floor. "Ow…" Taichi groaned, rubbing the back of his head. "Pulled to hard dammit…" I had to laugh at our current situation – pinned under a whopping great futon in the middle of his abnormally tidy floor. I stopped laughing quickly, noticing that we were pretty much alone in the house what with Taichi's mother in the kitchen. From experience, I knew you had to bellow pretty loud for someone to hear you in there from the teen's room.

I swallowed quickly. There was that small spark again, along with that stupid little voice that always got into me. _"Just say something already! Take advantage of the situation! He's right there you brain dead idiot!"_ I frowned to myself and stole a gaze at Taichi; he was still trying to push the futon off himself, his hands straining against the heavy object. His hands… The knuckles were almost white with effort and the pads of his fingers disappeared into the soft folds of the futon. There was a faint scar running down the back of his right hand – probably from our time in the Digital World – and it went right up from his wrist to his knuckles, framing his hand perfectly.

Perfectly?

My eyes widened and I stared straight up again, mentally giving myself a cold shower and a hefty slap to go with it. I clenched my eyes tight and clapped a hand over them. Taichi noticed, I guess, because he stopped straining and said, "What'd you forget?" he asked monotonly. My eyes snapped opened under my hand, unseen by him, and I blinked quickly. "I should call my dad and tell him where I am," I lied quickly. "You know, leave a message on the answering machine."

He nodded and began to push straight up again. I chuckled and grabbed his wrist, forcing his eyes to meet mine. "How about this: both push up and slide back at the same time." He nodded and we both pressed our hands to the futon. We pushed hard and wormed our way slowly out from under it. In a matter of minutes, we had both escaped from the wrath of the heavy futon and we sat, somewhat breathless, next to it. "Crap, I think I just had a heart attack…" Taichi said with a weak laugh.

I nodded in agreement and slowly got to my feet. "God…give me Veno-Myotismon any day… Him I can handle; but rabid futons?" I laughed and rubbed the back of my head. It kinda hurt…but… Maybe a decent whack on the head would give me the confidence I needed… Taichi just laughed at me before I walked out to the phone, trying not to let him see how my hand unconsciously clenched and unclenched at my side.

***

The night went on pretty smoothly and uneventfully. Taichi and I played pretty much every game he owns, with me beating the snot out of him at every turn. It was my only victory over him that whole night. Every other time I played him, he used to always beat me. Maybe he just wasn't as focused tonight as what he should have been. Or maybe it was because I nearly broke his arm that afternoon.

Finally at around eleven-thirty, our eyelids just couldn't stay open long enough to watch the screen and we dragged ourselves off to bed. I literally fell face first onto the futon while Taichi crawled under his covers. He snickered at me and I groaned at him. "Yamato, it's warmer _under_ the blankets," he pointed out. I grinned through the pillow and turned to look at him, the lights outside illuminating his room enough to see faintly. "So? I like the cold…" I said, snuggling into my pillow.

"Liar…" came the quiet response. "You've hated the cold ever since we lost Takeru…" He rolled onto his side so he could watch as I lifted my head to stare at him through the half darkness. He had a light frown on his face that held onto the serious look about him. Ever since… That was the day the Devimon separated us all. The day that Taichi and I nearly killed each other in the snow. Why the hell did he bring that up?

"I've changed," I said simply, gazing absently at my pillow. Taichi snorted from his bed and I looked back at him. "Damn right…" he said, narrowing his eyes at me in careful analysis. "What happened to make you change Yamato? Was it something one of us did or was it something that happened in the Digital World? Was it something that's happened since then? Because of the new chosen kids? What?" I couldn't help but smile at him, a soft chuckle escaping my lips.

"You sound just like my little brother," I told him quietly. "Always with the questions; always wanting the answers." Taichi groaned at my evasion and he propped himself up on his elbow to frown at me. "Yamato, I'm serious! And just like always, you try to avoid my questions!" he almost whined. It was kind of funny when I think about it. He sounded just like a three-year-old who's had his favourite toy taken away.

"I'm not avoiding them…" I said quietly, rolling onto my back. The brunette sighed in response. "So why don't you answer them? I only want to help you snap out of this funk you're in Yamato…I just…" he trailed off for a second. "I just want to help…" I paused. Why was I avoiding his questions? They were pretty straight forward ones, so why didn't I answer them?

Courage.

Or lack thereof.

I narrowed my eyes in the half darkness. I am such a coward when it comes to emotions. Maybe then…just maybe… I sighed and closed my eyes.

"I'm not…"

"Come again?" I snapped my eyes open. Oh shit, did I just say that out loud? I turned to face the brunette. "I…I was…just saying…" Taichi just blinked at me and I turned away again, staring at his ceiling. "Yamato…come on…just say…" he trailed off and made some thoughtful noise. "Just say whatever's on your mind, okay?" He sounded way too happy with that last sentence. Whatever's on my mind? The spark of hope that maybe my best friend's something…

…No.

_Bad_ train of thought…

"I won't take back what I told you this afternoon Taichi," I said quickly. I went on before he could speak. "I hate my Crest and that's how it's going to stay." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him sit bolt upright in his bed. I could almost picture the shock on his face as I closed my eyes. "The Crest made the wrong decision when it chose me… I'm no Friendship bearer! Why would it choose me when I'm the biggest loner out of the entire Digidestined? It's…it's just…" I trailed off for a second. "I wish there was someway of undoing the past so that I never went on that stupid camping trip and never got mixed up into any of it!"

My eyes were clenched tight so it was a bit of a shock when I felt, rather than heard, Taichi's hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see the teen was kneeling on the floor next to me, a sad smile on his face. "Yamato…don't ever wish for something like that," he said softly. That didn't sound like Taichi at all. "Wanting to change the past is the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say. I mean, if that happened, then how else would I have met my best friend?" he smiled warmly at me. "Yamato, the Crest of Friendship chose you because it could sense that special something inside of you."

He chuckled softly. "You know the fight with Diaboromon? That took the power of your Friendship to bring us together and the power of my Courage to make it happen. Without either of us…Omnimon would never have been born and neither of us would have proven the power of our Crests." He paused for a moment. "Yamato, please don't wish for the past to change…"

I turned away from him and listened as his words ran through my head. _Don't ever wish for something like that…_ He sounded so serious…that wasn't Taichi at all… That just wasn't- Wait a minute, was he…? I turned back to see him quickly wiping his eyes with his other sleeve. "Taichi? Are you alright?" I asked somewhat worriedly. Just who was comforting who here anyway?

He nodded and smiled at me. "Some Keeper of Courage…one little speech to _you_ and _I_ go to pieces…" he chuckled but stopped when I placed my hand over his. He gazed down at me in the half darkness, meeting my eyes. "At least you have courage…all I have is myself and borrowed confidence…"

Taichi blinked at me and slowly shook his head. "No Yamato…you… You have more courage than anyone I know of!" he said in a whisper. "You were the one person that stood up to the Dark Masters alone! I could never have done that without…" he stopped short, eyes flicking to the side. "Without your friendship to back me up…" He smiled warmly at me and I was silently thanking God that it was mildly dark in his room; I was probably sporting one serious blush right now. 

"Yamato, whether you like it or not, the Crest chose you because you are the epitome of friendship! Hell, we all went to pieces when you were swayed by the Dark Masters!" he gave a stifled laugh. "You're like the stuff that kept us together Yamato. That Crest was meant for you! Don't ever wish that it wasn't!"

I closed my eyes for a second and took in a deep breath. Wait a second… I opened my eyes again and reached up to rub them quickly. Tears? I was crying? I swallowed hard and turned to look back up at Taichi when he gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Yamato? You alright?" I nodded into the half darkness. "Yeah, I'm fine…" I replied quietly. "Just, well… I guess that's the most sense anyone's made to me in a long time," I smiled at him and me moved to stand up again.

I clutched his hand tighter and he stopped, staring at me in confusion. "Um, Taichi? Could…could you just stay here for a bit longer?" I bit my bottom lip. Maybe…just maybe… "I…I just need some reassuring that…that my Crest isn't false…" That was the lamest excuse I've ever come up with in my entire life. Then again, I wasn't exactly going to come right out and say 'Taichi, could you just take me into your arms and hold me?' because that'd just be too…weird. For him at least.

He smiled at me and nodded once. "Sure thing Yamato," he replied and sat down next to me on the futon. _"You're indulging yourself Yamato. He isn't yours, you know. You can't do anything."_ Stupid little voice… I frowned lightly at myself as the brunette settled down next to me, and I shifted over to give him some more room. "Yamato?" Taichi's voice asked softly and I gazed up to meet his eyes. He smiled warmly at me.

"You're going to be just fine…"

***

I never had a guardian angel when I was younger. I was always alone; no one to play with… I always believed I could deal with anything on my own. I never needed anyone. That's why, when it came time to decide, I would always be one of the first. I never needed guiding or assistance; I could do things on my own.

Then my parents split up, and I couldn't do a thing about it. I couldn't have any say in it; no part in the decision. I was all alone again. I never really valued time spent with my mother and little brother any time before because they were always there. But I could deal with it. Takeru would always be there for me, and I for him. We were brothers. We had to be there for each other. We had to. Otherwise we wouldn't have anything.

Until I lost Takeru and my mother. But that was fine; I could deal with it.

I never needed a guardian angel when I was older. I learned to deal with everything myself. I didn't need anyone else. I was so alone but it didn't matter to me. I could deal with it. I had myself; the one person I could trust in and rely on. I never wanted anyone else. I didn't need friendship.

…

I didn't need Friendship…

***

"…mnn…don't…need…"

What the hell…?

My sleep clogged brain forced my eyes open and I blinked into the darkness. What time was it? A quick crane of my neck to peer at Taichi's clock told me it was past four in the morning. Grand… I know I get up early but this is ridiculous! But, hang on… What woke me up?

I stifled a yawn as I tried to see into the darkness; pretty much all the lights outside had gone off and I could barely see a thing in Taichi's room. Where was he anyway? I reached up to rub my tired eyes and bumped into something in front of me. "Wha…?" I stated out of reflex, blinking again. I froze.

I knew where Taichi was.

Swallowing hard, I slowly moved my hand along the thing in front of me, feeling the warm material under my fingers as I traced my hand slowly upwards. Blushing furiously into the darkness, my hand stopped, pressed flat to the warmth of the thing in front of me.

It was Taichi's chest. He was sleeping on his side, pressed almost flush against me.

"…don't…need…" he murmured in his sleep. That's what woke me up! He was talking in his sleep! I bit back a squeak of surprise when his arm tightened around my waist. My _what?_ I quickly gazed down my side and sure enough, there was his arm, wrapped snugly around my midsection, effectively holding me there. Oh perfect… "_Take advantage of the situation! He's right there you brain dead idiot!"_ What a time for that little voice to pop up… But…

Taichi _was_ right there…

He was asleep; he wouldn't know anything…

I frowned to myself, closing my eyes. Wrongness…wrongness… I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts about my best friend. Best friend…? Or do I want something more? No! Bad head! Impure thoughts!! God, I'm so messed up! I mean, Taichi's got a distinctive straightness about him that tells me I should keep away, even if I do have mild…feelings…for him. Mild. Nothing more.

_"But you want something more. I know you do. You want him so badly it almost hurts, doesn't it?"_ Oh shut up. You're just a voice in my head, and I don't listen to voices. _"Take advantage of the situation! He'll never know!"_ No. He's my best friend. _"Is he?"_ Yes. Nothing more. _"You want something more."_ Stop purring to me. _"Oh you want it!"_

I mentally slapped my forehead and clenched my eyes tighter. The little voice in my head can be such a pain sometimes. I paused. And then it can be so right… I sighed at my situation. Here I was, finally close to the one person that makes me feel something, finally getting the right opportunity…and I couldn't take it. I didn't want to take it. It felt…wrong…just wrong…to do that to my best friend. I mean, what would happen if he found out? Hell, if he woke up? That would be a disaster. I didn't even know if he swung that way. I didn't even know if I did.

Taichi just made me feel…something…

Just something…

I opened my eyes to carefully stare at his sleeping face; my night vision had finally kicked in and a scruff of his hair had fallen over his eyes, shielding one from view. Okay so he looked absolutely adorable right at that moment; but I was so screwed if he found out anything. I carefully bit my bottom lip. So I wouldn't exactly _do_ anything. I would just…lie there…next to him…

Just…a little closer is all…

I swallowed hard and – _very_ slowly and _very_ carefully so as not to wake him – moved a little closer. Centimetre by centimetre I carefully edged closer until we were barely touching noses. My heart was hammering behind my sternum and I was sure the loud pounding would wake him up. It was right at this second, millimetres from Taichi, that I realised I didn't just have a passing fancy for him.

I was obsessed with him.

He was my courage.

I felt a warm smile come to my face and I closed my eyes again, letting myself relax. I felt purely happy just letting him hold me like this, even if it was in his subconscious. I hoped. I'd never been this close to him, not even when he'd tackled me in the snow or when we wrestled in his lounge room. It was…nice. My smile grew and I let a contented sigh escape me. Takeru may have his angel but, if only for this night, I would have my Courage…

***

"Yamato! Hey Yamato! It's for you!"

Dad's voice woke me up from my forty winks session on the couch. Then again, I didn't get much sleep last night…this morning…whatever. I groaned and sat up, rubbing my face tiredly. I wasn't expecting anyone to call; who was it? I frowned as I stood up and walked over to the phone, taking the handset from dad. "Who is it?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It's Taichi," came the response as dad disappeared into the kitchen. I went dead cold. Did he know? Oh shit I was dead if he did… I swallowed hard and slowly raised the phone to my ear. "Uh…hello?" I said kind of timidly. I heard him laugh on the other end.

"Yamato! Hey man, how's it going?" he asked happily. I was taken aback a little by the joy in his voice. "Fine… Did you call me up just to ask that?" I asked carefully. I swear I could almost picture him grinning like an idiot on the other end. "Not really. Well yes really. I mean…" He was babbling which meant he was either really excited or really nervous. Please dear Lord above be the former. "I kinda wanted to ring you up and ask you that because of…of last night." I instantly went a few shades brighter. "Uh…last…night?" I replied barely above a whisper. Oh crap, he knows…

"Yeah… I was just ringing up to make sure you were alright after our talk last night," he forced a weak laugh. "I mean, well," there was a pause on his end before his voice came back, lower this time. "You kinda had me scared last night Yamato. With all that talk of your Crest and everything, wanting to change the past…it just…" he sighed. "It just wasn't you… I mean, I know you have your bouts of depression and loneliness and whatever, but you really scared me last night Yamato."

My eyes were wide and my lips were parted slightly. I…I'd scared him? I scared…Taichi? My mouth was kind of dry as I blinked in shock. "W-well, I…I didn't mean…I never…" I was stammering which meant I was really nervous. Hell, I'd just scared the Keeper of Courage; who wouldn't be scared themselves? This wasn't right; I never meant to scare him. I only wanted him to hear about it! People are supposed to be able to trust their best friends with that sort of stuff without having them worry about it. And I'd…I'd gone and done this…

"Yamato? Hey, are you still there?" Taichi's voice broke into my thoughts and I shook my head a bit. I never meant to scare him… "Yamato? Did you die or something? Speak up man!" Never… I cleared my throat and turned away from the kitchen; I didn't want dad to think I was having a heart attack or anything. "Hey…Taichi…?" I said very softly, barely above a whisper.

"There you are!" he laughed for a second before he fell silent again. "Hey…what's wrong?" I closed my eyes, stuck for an answer for a second. "I was just…" No, that wouldn't work. "Could we meet up somewhere? Say in," I checked my watch, "half an hour?" There was a long pause on his end. "O…kay…" he finally said. "Where though?"

I smacked my forehead. I should really learn to think before I speak; my subconscious just made me say that so I could see him again. God dammit… "How about the swings in the park up from your place? The ones near the sakura trees?" Oh and _that_ was clear. The sakuras spanned about half the friggin park; like Mr Photographic Memory knew where it was. He gets lost in a grocery store!

(A/N: An apology to you Japanese fanatics out there: I know the sakura only blossom around May and it is winter where these boys are. But hey, sakura still exist in the off-season!)

"I know the place," Taichi replied happily. I blinked; there was a first. "Sure. Half an hour is good. See you then Yamato!" I blinked a few more times as a timid smile began to creep over my face. "Sure thing…see you there Taichi…" His line ended with a click and I just stood there for a while, the phone pressed into my hand, and that silly half-smile on my face. I eventually lowered the phone back into its cradle and hung it up. I was seeing Taichi in thirty minutes. I hadn't even planned it because my subconscious had kicked my brain out of the way. I lost my smile. What the hell was I seeing him for?

My eyes widened for a second. Hang on… That park was a fair hike from here. Shit. I clenched my eyes tight and clapped a hand over them. It was nearly five clicks away… I had to walk five clicks because of my stupid subconscious. Thanks a lot pal! I was seriously fighting the urge to smack the side of my skull for being such an idiot. But…

With an exasperated sigh, I shook my head and walked into my room; I was going to need some comfort for my walk. Discman, check; loud blaring music to drown out all sound and deafen passers-by, check. I slung my sleeveless jacket on and stuffed my discman into a pocket, threading the headphones up and around my neck. All good, I decided with a nod. I paused, catching my reflection in my mirror. God, I look like a techno lover… (A/N: I actually listen to a shightload of techno, so I can't talk… -_-;;)

I strode out of my room and over to the front door, sitting down and pulling on my boots. "Hey dad, I'm gonna go meet Taichi at the park near his house. Don't wait up for me okay?" I don't know what made me add that last part; subconscious intuition again I think. "Sure thing Yamato. You know the usual routine: no talking to muggers or paedophiles on the way and-"

"And no taking candy from tall strange bearded men bearing walking sticks. Yeah dad, I know…" I rolled my eyes; he always gives me the same speech whenever I go out. Typical parent. I frowned lightly, yanking my laces hard. He wasn't typical…parents don't typically break up like mine…

I stood up and clutched the door handle. "I'll be back in a few hours…" I said quietly, yanking the door open and walking out. I pulled my collar up around my neck and zipped it up the rest of the way; it was starting to get cold even though it was only about two in the afternoon. I walked over to the elevator and pressed the button, busying myself with my headphones. The elevator doors opened by the time I'd pressed play and I stepped inside, lucky enough to be the sole occupant. I didn't know half of the bands on this disc; I just typed in 'loud, blaring, bass' in the search handle of my Internet and downloaded them. They make good time fillers.

And now I had time to fill.

***

God, and I thought I was going to be late… He had to walk a total of two hundred metres and I had to walk about ten blocks _and_ cross a river all while dodging traffic. Lazy bum… I sat on the swings, idly swinging back and forth and kicking the sand with my toe. The batteries in my discman were holding out for a surprisingly long time, which was a good thing considering Taichi was late. I kicked the sand hard and my swing jolted back a bit. I wouldn't be able to hear him even if he was right next to me. I sighed and closed my eyes. What was I doing here? This'll learn me for letting my subconscious take over my brain… Dammit… The sun's gonna set before he gets here!

Oh, this song sounds good… Hell, this is probably the first time I've listened to this disc; I just burn them and put them somewhere else. They usually end up as scratch tracks for Shiro to work on anyway; he's our band's DJ. He's pretty good for a sixteen-year-old too. Oh, so this song _does_ have lyrics; sounded like it was just going to be music. The first chorus and verse played and I frowned, fumbling inside my jacket for the controls. I want to hear that again…

_"It's easier to run_

_Replacing this pain with something numb_

_It's so much easier to go_

_Than face all this pain here all alone._

_Something has been taken_

_From deep inside of me_

_A secret I've kept locked away_

_No one can ever see_

_Wounds so deep they never show_

_They never go away_

_Like moving pictures in my head_

_For years and years they've played."_

I blinked, feeling myself run cold. These lyrics… Whoever wrote them feels like…they were writing my feelings… I listened to the bridge run through before it went onto another chorus and verse.

_"Sometimes I remember_

_The darkness of my past_

_Bringing back these memories_

_I wish I didn't have_

_Sometimes I think of letting go_

_And never looking back_

_And never moving forward so_

_There would never be a past."_

I felt dead cold as I listened to the song play on. I hardly realised that tears had welled in my eyes I was so focused on it. This was exactly how I felt. I never wanted the responsibility of being a Digidestined. I never wanted to be a Crest bearer; I hated the idea! But I…I was forced into it… I hung my head, letting my tears trail down my cheeks. My feelings… I told everything to Taichi last night; that was my secret. The whole thing has been like a wound to me; buried deep within me and never healing over.

I sniffled loudly; feeling better that the park was empty so no one could see my pitiful display. Darkness of my past…everything that I've tried to bury. Everything that happened to me in the Digital World, I've tried to forget. I don't want to remember that for the rest of my life. It's easier to forget about something completely than to mope around remembering it for the rest of your life. Like Gabumon…

And I don't want to keep things the way they are. I want to change the past. I don't want to remember anything of the Digital World. I don't want to be known as the Keeper of Friendship. I want to destroy all of that. I just want to be myself. Not Digidestined. Not Crest bearer. I just want to be Yamato. A simple teenager confused about himself, stuck in senior high and playing in a band. Just to be myself.

Just…myself…

I hate my Crest…

The batteries just died, leaving me in silence, save for my quiet sobbing. I was crying again. I hadn't done that since Metal-Garurumon nearly died. Since Takeru was lost in the snow. God I must look pathetic…sitting by myself in the middle of a deserted park crying my eyes out over a stupid song.

…

A stupid song that sums me up perfectly…

I sat back up and wiped my eyes on the back of my sleeves; no need to be seen crying when Taichi shows up. It'll give him another reason to be scared of me. Perfect. I pulled the headphones from my ears and slung them around my neck; I had nowhere else to put them. Sniffling loudly in an attempt to clear my nose, I wiped my eyes again and closed them, taking a deep breath. So what _was_ I going to say to Taichi? I opened my eyes to gaze up at the sakura trees. They looked pretty, even without their pink blossoms…

A flash of movement caught my eye and I whipped my head around to stare into those coffee coloured orbs. Taichi. His eyes were wide as we sat there on the swings, staring at each other. He's probably wondering what's wrong with me; what's so wrong that I had to cry about or something like that. Hell, how could he not see that I'd been crying? I looked down at the ground and finally turned away, facing ahead again with my head slightly lowered as I gripped the twin chains of the swing.

"Yamato…?" he whispered, voice filled with worry. "What's going on? Are…you alright?" Hell no…I'd never be alright. I was so screwed up it wasn't funny. I narrowed my eyes and didn't answer him for a second. The silence between us was only broken by the twittering of some bird somewhere. "You're late Taichi…" I breathed, voice low.

He shifted in his swing, the action making him move to and fro. I was only joking when I said that, really only trying to break the silence but I guess he took it like I was seriously ticked at him. He toed the ground like a child in trouble, the action catching my eye enough to raise my gaze to him. His head was lowered, eyes cast towards the ground, looking seriously worried and sorry. His fingers were unconsciously playing with the links on the chains and he'd taken his bottom lip in-between his teeth, chewing it nervously.

"Sorry Yamato…" he said quietly. "Mum wanted me to show her something on the computer and it…it got kind of complicated…" I blinked at him in wonder; that didn't sound like Taichi at all. His voice was deadpan; completely depressive and sounding extremely sorry for himself. I turned away and faced the ground again.

"S'kay… I know what it's like; my mum's like that too… Though I'm never around enough to really know…" I said with a brief raise of my eyebrows. I heard the chains next to me clink as Taichi sat bolt upright. "Yamato, I…shit, I'm sorry…I never meant…" he stammered, voice full of worry. I closed my eyes and shook my head, a tiny smile crossing my tired face. "It's okay Taichi; it doesn't bother me…"

I must be a terrible liar, because the next thing I know, Taichi's kneeling in front of me with his hands on my shoulders and staring into my eyes with a determined look on his face. "Yamato, I _know_ it does. Don't tell me it doesn't because I know that's not what you're thinking." Damn. Hikari _must_ be a good influence on him; I've never seen him this determined to help me before. Although, violently tackling your best friend who's fallen into a depressive stupor does often work just as well. Trust me, I know.

I turned away, avoiding his eyes. I didn't need to stare into them now…not now… I narrowed my eyes slightly. "Taichi…just…" I closed my eyes. Why the hell wouldn't he look away? "Just drop it, okay? It's not like it's going to start eating me ten years after the fact," I opened my eyes and stared at the ground. "It's not that anyway." I heard Taichi sigh and his hands dropped from my shoulders as he stood up and slumped back onto his swing, the chains groaning at the sudden weight.

"If you insist Yamato…" he said quietly. "But I know when something's eating you. Why won't you just tell me? I mean, I'm your best friend and all; I deserve some credit…" He was trying to reason with me; he sounded just like his sister. Great. I smiled at him faintly and closed my eyes again, enjoying the warmth of the sun on my face for a second. I opened my eyes again, my smile disappearing as I stared at the ground.

You have more courage than you think… If I was so courageous then what was stopping me from just saying something? And why does it always come back to that one line? Am I so cowardly that I have to rely on others all the time? No…no, I'm not a coward… But… I narrowed my eyes slightly. Why was it so difficult to say then? I sighed on the inside and made up my mind; it'd do me no good to keep everything inside. I'd have to say something sooner or later. 

"Taichi, what…" I paused and bit my bottom lip. How was I going to put this so it wouldn't scare the bejeesus outta him? "About last night…" I didn't know if he was looking at me or not; I was too scared to check. "When…when I asked you to stay with me…and we fell asleep then…" I was hoping my lack of confidence was covering up any underlying message my stupid subconscious might feed into my words. "I woke up during the night and…and you were still there, but…" Oh mental deep breath, in and out and speak. "You kind of had…your arm around me…"

There was a _very_ long pause between us. And I do mean long. In reality it was probably only around twenty seconds, but when you're as nervous as hell while you're talking to someone, a few seconds is forever. Oh God, my heart was pounding in my chest. Out of fear of his response mostly. Fear of whether he'd brush it off or beat me down with words or just say nothing. Whatever he did…please don't let it be nothing. If he said nothing…I'd be mortified, to put it lightly. _Very_ lightly.

I heard him swallow hard and take in a breath. "Oh…" he said quietly, voice strangely calm given what he'd just heard, albeit a little high for him. What? Just 'oh'? His best friend just tells him that he found his arm wrapped around his waist and all he can say is 'oh'? "Well I…I was…just…" Now it was his turn to be as scared as hell. And didn't he sound it. "It was probably an…an unconscious decision on my part cause…of…of what you told me…"

I blinked in mild wonder. It was his subconscious that made him do that? Holy hell, that would mean he has some underlying feelings for me… Oh hell, oh hell, oh hell… Oh but wait…he said it was because of what I told him… That…sort of lowers the scale a bit. But what if he _does_ have feelings for me, even if they are subconscious? What if he _does_ feel the same about me as I do about him? I mean, he could be just lying to me to cover up the fact that he did that out of affection for me. Oh man, that would be awkward…

"…I…see," I said somewhat rigidly. That damned silence returned again, more stifling than ever as we sat there, unmoving and unspeaking. The only sound came from me when I swallowed, the sound echoing in my head, making me even more uncomfortable. Taichi toed the ground again, his shoe drawing aimless circles into the sand. He cleared his throat a bit and took in a quick breath.

"So, um, Yamato… Can…can I ask you something?" he said awkwardly. I allowed myself to gaze nervously at him; his fingers were tight around the chains and he was biting his bottom lip again, concentration and confusion behind his eyes. The last time I saw that look on his face was when he was watching War-Greymon chase down Diaboromon through the Internet. Our vid link was still up and I was supposed to be watching Metal-Garurumon; the look on his face just pulled my attention for a second. His eyes just looked so full of despair.

I nodded, although he couldn't see, and just kept staring at him. "Sure, what is it?" He narrowed his eyes ever so slightly and his hands clenched around the chains. "I just…" he turned to look at me and he lost his voice for a second, seeing that I was already staring at him. "I just wanted to know why…why were you crying?"

_That_ question caught me off guard.

I blinked at him for a second, eyes going wider, before I turned away and faced the ground again. "I…" I faltered. I shouldn't do that. I sighed and closed my eyes, my hands sliding from the chains into my lap. "I just found someone that…that has the same sort of responsibilities as me. You know…trying to live up to people's expectations, and…and trying to destroy their past, trying to bury the present…" I opened my eyes and stared at the sandy ground. "It just…got to me…to hear these same emotions being said and it…it made me realise…just how much I have to change to get rid of it all…"

I gave a huff of a laugh and forced a weak smile, staring at the sky when I realised I was nearly fighting back tears again. "It's just such a slap in the face when you hear someone with so much conviction and…and so much self-confidence say those things to you that it…it just…" I trailed off and closed my eyes again. God, I was being such a wimp about this; I finally had the opportunity to say something decent and revealing about myself to Taichi and I just couldn't get the words out… I was almost in tears because of my lack of courage.

I clenched my eyes tight and shook my head hard. "I just want to take everything back and start from scratch! I wish I'd never gone to the Digital World and done _any_ of that stuff because it's just screwed up my entire life!!" My hands clenched in my lap and I felt as tears began to trail down my cheeks again. I was almost shaking from the force of those words. I'd finally said what I told Taichi the other night with the most power, the most conviction, I'd ever had.

I felt as my tears began to fall onto the back of my hands, swallowing hard against the lump in my throat. "I didn't want any of it…" I breathed, voice strained. "I…I never wanted to be a part of it…and that…that stupid old bastard Gennai went and dragged us all into it without even asking us!!" I let out a choked sob and reached up to cover my mouth with my hand. I didn't want to let any more of this stupid emotional scene out than I already had.

"Yamato…" Taichi's voice came from somewhere in front of me; he'd moved, I guessed. His voice was quiet I felt as something warm cover the hand in my lap. I opened my eyes and stared down. His hands. They were so warm against my cold skin… He reached up and placed his other hand over the one on my mouth, slowly pulling it back down to my lap. Taichi placed his hand back on my shoulder, waiting until I tilted my head up to look at him. He was kneeling in front of me, concern twisted on his face as his coffee coloured eyes bored into mine.

"Yamato," he smiled sadly up at me. In the next instant, he rose to his feet and pulled me, somewhat inelegantly, up with him, one hand still on my shoulder as he stared back at me. He shook his head faintly and lifted his hand to wipe the tears off my cheeks, his hand lingering for a moment before it dropped to my shoulder again. "You didn't have to keep it all inside…" he whispered gently. "But, Yamato…" he smiled faintly at me. "You should be happy that you've told someone because that…that took real courage…"

I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Don't lie to me Taichi. I'm a coward; I have no real courage," I told him in pure truth. "You're the Keeper of Courage so why the hell do you keep telling me that I'm so courageous? You're the one the Crest chose, not me…" Taichi shook his head hard and placed his other hand on my shoulder, forcing me to look into his eyes again. "No Yamato, listen to me. I may be the Keeper of Courage but _you_ are the Keeper of Friendship. It takes true courage to have or start any sort of friendship, you should know that. That's what I meant when I told you that you have more courage than anyone I know because…" he trailed off and smiled at me. "Because you're my friend…my _best_ friend at that…" I turned away from him and stared at the ground. "Taichi-"

"Yamato, come on, you know I'm right," he said sternly. "Now look at me." I just closed my eyes, ignoring him. "Yamato, look at me." He said each word hard, wanting to get my attention. I gave a soft sigh and turned back to him. "You're a stubborn ass, I know you won't give up until I've heard you out," I told him straight, watching as his smile slowly came back. He nodded at me, that warm smile on his face. Dammit…I just told him my darkest secret and he's smiling at me? I felt my body run cold and I closed my eyes again, swallowing hard.

What the hell have I just done?

"I have to go…" I mumbled. I didn't want to be here anymore. I pulled back from Taichi's grasp and turned around, quickly walking away. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and opened my eyes; I didn't want to walk into a tree and gain any _more_ sympathy from him. Taichi stammered something incoherent and I just kept on walking. I didn't need those eyes looking into mine any longer than necessary; today had already been too close in more ways than one.

"Yamato, wait up!" Taichi cried, jogging up to me and walking hurriedly next to me. "Wha…why did you turn away like that? I'm trying to help you Yamato! Come on, is it because you don't trust me? I'm your best friend! Yamato, stop!" He stood in front of me and blocked my path. I stopped abruptly; I didn't need to run into him, and looked up at him, narrowing my eyes. "It's not that I don't trust you; I do. More than you know. It's just…" I paused, taking a quick breath. "I've told you too much already. I have to go."

I went to step past him but he just pressed a hand to my chest, holding me back. He's stronger than he looks. I stopped again and stared into his eyes with a glare worthy of Myotismon's demise. "Out of my way Yagami…" Taichi flinched at hearing his last name used but otherwise held his ground. I knew he hated it when I used his last name; the last time I had was right before we beat the living snot out of each other.

"No," he replied simply, his voice low and even. "Yamato, I want to help you. Let me do this one thing and I'll never try to do anything like this again, I promise you." Not a chance. He's always tried to help people; he won't change for me. He won't change… He's the one that always had to make changes; he was our leader once, my… No, he's never been anything more than a friend to me. This is the worst possible time to question that Yamato.

Grabbing his wrist, the same way I had yesterday, I pulled him forward and narrowed my eyes dangerously at him. "Just leave me alone Taichi. My problems are mine alone to deal with. Don't try and involve yourself in my affairs." He yanked his arm out of my grip and glared angrily at me. "Don't tell me what to do Yamato. What's wrong with trying to help a friend anyway? Are you afraid that I might get hurt or something?" Yes. But not in the way you'd expect… I _am_ afraid. Afraid of what might happen if…

"If you get too close…" I said softly, closing my eyes. What else could I say to him? I had to make him understand without telling him what I wanted…what I needed… And if he got too close? Then what? Would he find out something about me that might hurt him? Something that might…hurt us both…in more ways than one.

No…I couldn't take that risk…

"I'm sorry Taichi, but I…I can't allow you to help me in this." He's going to hate me if he gets too close. "I have to do this on my own, so please-" The breath was whacked out of me as my back hit the hard ground and Taichi landed on top of me, pinning me down as he straddled my waist. "Taichi, what the f-"

"Yamato, I'm not gonna let you up until you give me some damn answers as to why you're being so defensive about everything!" he said not-so-gently into my face. "Now snap out of it and let me help you dammit!" His hands were scruffed in my jacket and he was bent over me, his face inches from mine as glared angrily at me. I gave up struggling under his weight and just let my head fall back onto the ground.

What was the point…? He's only going to try again tomorrow if I manage to shake him off today. I closed my eyes and sighed, noticing that, despite the nature of this situation, how nice it was to have Taichi so close to me. Except I don't want him near me… He'll only get hurt if he gets near me. "Taichi…" I said his name softly, completely unlike my voice of before. He was surprised at my tone, I guess, because his grip loosened on my jacket and he sat back up. At least I could breathe now.

"Do you remember the last time this happened?" I asked him quietly, opening my eyes and staring at the sky. The clouds looked like cotton wool being slowly unravelled by the wind. "You mean what you've been saying to me?" I shook my head slowly. "No, I mean the last time we were like this. Do you remember?" I smiled sadly. "It was right after I lost Takeru in the snow and you attacked me. We rolled down that big hill and when we finally stopped, you had me pinned down just like this." I gave a strained laugh. "The things we remember huh?"

I laughed again and Taichi let go of my jacket, staring at me worriedly. "Yamato…that was also the first time you started blaming yourself for things in the Digital World…" I gazed back into his eyes and noticed we both had that same hurt look in our eyes. The same strained look that just seemed to make everyone want to forget you suddenly. I wasn't aware Taichi could look like that.

"Yamato…" he said my name softly, like he was testing it out for the first time. "What does your brother call you? You know, as a nickname." I lost my smile slowly as I stared back at him. Where did that question come from? Hang on; has Takeru said something to him? I'll kill him if he has…I'll murder the little snot…

"Why so interested?" I replied quietly. Taichi gave a one-shoulder shrug. "I just am. Is that so wrong?" He raised one eyebrow at me, still gazing hard into my eyes. I sighed and stared back at the sky. "Yama-chan…" I told him softly. "It's Yama-chan…" Man that sounded weird. It's so strange to hear yourself telling someone a nickname that your kid brother gave you. Taichi chuckled to himself.

"Yama-chan…" he said, more to himself than anything else. "Well then, that's all I wanted to know." I flicked my eyes back to him as my eyebrows twitched downwards in a light frown. "Then get off of me. I have to go home." Taichi shrugged again, that smooth semi-irresistible smile coming back again. Damn him for being so cute when I least wanted him to be… "Eh, so I lied… I'm still not letting you up until I get some answer as to why you're so pent up about everything." I frowned at him and growled in the back of my throat. "Taichi, I mean it: get off."

The teen frowned back at me and poked his tongue out. God he was immature when he wanted to be. "Not gonna move until you tell me!" he pressed his hands flat to my chest to prove his point. I held his gaze for a second longer before I tried to just shove him backwards, but he was stronger – and more advantaged – than me and just pushed me back down. "Taichi, get off me!"

He leant forward over me until we were inches apart. Impure thoughts, impure thoughts…now is not the time _or_ the place Ishida. He narrowed his eyes at me, those coffee coloured depths now showing only as the barest of slits behind his dark lashes. _Definitely_ not the time. "Yamato… Tell me; what is going on?" his eyes flicked between mine. Oh hell, he has to know that I like him; why else would he be doing this!? My brain allowed me to shake my head in some semblance of a 'no' and he just glared at me.

"Don't get close to me Taichi," I told him quietly, hoping that my lack of volume would mask the shaky edge to my words. He just ignored me and shook his head slowly. "Yamato…tell me something…tell me anything…but just let me help you…" he told me, determined. Christ, he won't let up until I say something… My heart clenched in my chest. Anything… "T-Taichi, get off," I stammered. Oh _shit_, he was really close now…

"You know I can always try again later Yamato," he went on. Why the hell was he ignoring me!? "At school, or your place, or the park again…" he narrowed his eyes again. "Let me help you." Oh major panic attack. He was _right there_. Right on top of me, right in front of me, pinning me down and hovering _millimetres_ away. Hell, I don't think I have the strength to push him away. I clenched my eyes tightly shut. Why wouldn't he just let up? _"Tell him something, anything. That's what he wants. Do it."_ God, just shut up… Leave me alone dammit…

"Yamato…"

Just go away…

"Just do something…" 

"Listen to me."

Dammit, no…

"Do it!!" 

"Yamato!"

I snapped my eyes open and stared into his, tears welling in my eyes. "Taichi, I'm so sorry about this…" I said quickly, voice shaky. He barely had time to blink in confusion before I reached up and grabbed him by his face, pressing my lips to his.

He dead froze, his body tensing up harshly. I felt my tears streaming down my face as we stayed there for a long moment. Oh God, what was I doing? What the hell would he think of me? How the hell was I going to explain this? Would he ever trust me again? My heart was pounding in my chest. This didn't feel right. Not right at all. I've screwed up majorly this time. He's going to hate me. I have to get out of here… I have to leave now… _Right_ now…

I broke this kiss roughly and, while he was still stunned, shoved him back and scrambled to my feet, sprinting away. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I ran blindly through the park, heading nowhere. The only sound in my ears was my sobbing, my pounding feet on the ground and that stupid little voice that never left me alone. I hate that voice! It's always right!! Always!! Except for…

For…today…

Taichi is going to hate me for all time now… And I felt like total trash about it. I am such a joke; the Keeper of Friendship screwing up whatever there was between him and his best friend. I didn't want to be here anymore. I wanted away from any of this. I wanted to be alone again. Alone so no one can ask me questions or get hurt by my stupidity. I hate myself. But where could I go? I can't go home; Taichi would probably just follow me there. I can't be alone then.

But…where else?

***

I knocked loudly on the door, out of breath and clutching my chest hard. My heart was still pounding behind my sternum. I wasn't sure of the time but it was already dark out; I must've gone from one end of Odaiba to the other. Shit I am wiped… God, I must look a mess… I brushed my hair back roughly and wiped my eyes; hopefully I look somewhat better. Where was he? I swallowed hard as I banged on the door again. There was a mild string of curses as someone hastily ran to the door.

"This better be good enough to almost ruin someone's computer!" he cried, flinging the door open. The short burgundy haired teen did a double take at his visitor. "Yamato? What brings you here?" I shook my head and, breath still laboured, just blurted out, "I need somewhere to crash Koushiro. Can I stay the night?" He blinked at me in total confusion, stuck for words for a second. "Uh, sure. How come? Have a fight with your dad or something?" he asked me.

Shit, I didn't think of what else to say. Then again, I wasn't exactly going to say I'd just kissed my best friend and ran off bawling. I nodded dumbly at him, avoiding his eyes for a second. "Sort of, I just needed to get out for a while…" Okay, so it was sort of a lie; Koushiro was a smart kid though, he knew when to let it slide. "Understandable. Come on in then Yamato, don't mind the mess though; was just about to finish up a computer."

I thanked him graciously as he led me through the little path between all the junk on the floor. How the hell did he find anything in this? Better yet, how the hell did he know how to walk through all this? (A/N: Thanks to Maelgwyn for the imagery of this scene; Koushiro is just like Thomas. Minus the Zoid…)

"So um, Koushiro…" I asked, sitting down carefully so as not to crush anything he's likely to kill me for. "What're you doing to this one?" Koushiro was always the computer brain of everything. He put everyone to shame with what he knew of the things – inside and out. So the guy made some cash on the side by building and fixing people's computers. He looked up at me from the tower he was working on and smiled, holding up his screwdriver like some banner. "Oh this? Well Mrs. Narashi on the next floor wants me to check her PC out and beef it up. At the moment I'm just going inside of it to see what type of ram and miscellaneous items I'll need."

Koushiro just shrugged and, smiling at me, went back inside. "I already checked out what type of things she has via the BIOS, that is: processor, memory, chip speed, hard drives, that sort of thing. So now I'm just checking out what type of things I need to upgrade or replace completely." He bit his tongue in concentration as he pushed wires and cables aside to peer into the guts of the machine. "Y'see…there isn't just one type of ram, there's all different sorts and I need to find out which one out of my stockpile I need to use."

(A/N: I tried to make this sound as basic as possible for you non-computer people. My bad if I facked up anywhere; it's like 1 am…)

I just laughed at him and he looked at me strangely. "Koushiro, you're light years ahead of anyone else! No wonder Diaboromon was killed! With all that computer knowledge he could have just devoured you instead of the Internet!" I laughed again and he just shrugged at me. "Hey it was all because of you and Taichi. You two made quite the team back then," he smiled at me. "Without him, Omnimon would never have been created and Diaboromon would have destroyed everything."

I fell silent. Taichi. It had to come back to him, didn't it? "Yeah, I guess you're right…" I sat there for a second before I looked up at the clock and nearly had a heart attack. "Holy-! Koushiro, is that clock right!?" I practically yelled. He blinked at me and stared up at it before checking his watch. "Yep, eight fifteen on the dot." I scratched the back of my neck. That means I was wandering around for nearly five and a half hours! "Christ… Um, would you overly mind if I just crashed out on the couch now? I'm kind of beat."

The burgundy haired teen just nodded. "Sure thing Yamato, go right ahead. Mrs. Narashi can always wait another day, so I'll just finish up. Blankets and a spare pillow are in the ottoman." Got to hand it to him, Koushiro was always courteous. I thanked him and within minutes, he was packed up and I was lying on the soft cushions of my temporary bed, the warmth of the blanket wrapped up around me. "Night Yamato!" He called. "Night Koushiro, and thanks again." He shrugged and smiled at me. "Hey anything for a friend right?" He flicked out the lights and I was left in the darkness.

"Yeah…anything for a friend…" I whispered to myself. God I was such a joke. Pulling the blanket over my head, I listened until I heard Koushiro close his door. I curled up into a ball and buried my face in my knees, clutching my legs tightly. I'm no friend… My whole existence as a Digidestined was such a joke. It was nothing but a huge mistake. A single tear rolled down my cheek.

My Crest was such a lie…

***

"Yamato? Hey Yamato, wake up."

I groaned and pulled the complimentary pillow over my head. "…ng'way…" Sheesh, mouth was not functioning at this hour of the morning… Someone grabbed my shoulder and shook me lightly and I just turned over, facing the back of the couch. "Yamato, come on, wake up." My eyes snapped open under the pillow. That wasn't Koushiro…

I twisted around and pulled the pillow down again, staring up at my disturber of peace. "T-Takeru?? What the hell are you doing here?" I swear, any closer to the edge of the couch and I would have fallen off from the shock. Body was not made for this kind of early morning stress… "How…?" My brother just shook his head at me and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Yamato, dad told me you didn't come home last night. What happened?"

I opened my mouth to snap at him but stopped, lowering my gaze. "It's…it's nothing…" Takeru snorted and I raised my eyes to him again. "Nothing?" he said, incredulous. "Yamato, I got a call from Taichi twice last night _and_ once this morning, with him asking me if I knew what happened to you! He sounded really upset Yamato!" My eyebrows instantly knit together in confusion. What the hell? If he was ringing around why didn't he ring here? It's not like he and Koushiro don't keep in touch.

"Takeru, did you say anything to him? Did he say anything to you?" I asked, still frowning at him. My brother faltered for a second, my frown just transformed into a scowl. "Takeru… What did you two talk about?" My voice was like ice. Takeru knows I only reserve that tone for my most evil of moments; I remember scaring him when I talked like that to the Dark Masters. He looked away from my sapphire scowl and fidgeted with his fingers. "Well, nothing…not really…"

I raised a dubious brow at him. "'Not really'? Takeru, what is 'not really'? What did you say to him?" My brother just swallowed and bit his bottom lip. "He kinda…asked me what was going on with you and…and I…kinda told him…something…" his voce was getting quieter with each word. My eyebrows shot up as far as they could go. "You did…what…Takeru?" If he told Taichi _anything_ about my feelings towards him… He immediately held his hands up in defence and took a step back.

"I didn't mean to Yama-chan! Honest!" he half-cried. "Taichi sounded really upset about something and I…he was really worried about you and…and I…" he clasped his hands together in front of himself. Yeah, like praying was gonna help him now! "Yama-chan I never meant to say anything!" I shot to my feet and he scooted back to the end of the couch like I was going to eat him or something. He _better_ run…

"Takeru, what did you tell him? Say it now and I might go easy on you." My voice was low and quick. I was so pissed at him it wasn't funny. How dare the little…! I was glad Koushiro was in the kitchen; then he wouldn't see me _murdering_ my little brother for saying something to Taichi. Takeru backed around behind the couch as I took a step towards him.

"A-all I told him was that…that you were worried about him t-too," Takeru always stammered when he tries to confront me. Any other time, it would be funny. "He…he's really worried about you Yamato! He wants to help you!" He nearly stumbled backwards over some bag. I narrowed my eyes at him and bared my teeth in some semblance of a snarl, my fists balling at my sides as I stalked him around the couch. "Jesus H. tap-dancing Christ!! Why does _everyone_ want to help me!?" I snapped loudly.

Takeru yelped as I dived at him from behind the couch, tackling him to the ground and landing on top of him so I had him pinned. "What did you say to him Takeru? Tell me!" I grabbed his shirt by the shoulders and snarled at him. He tried to struggle away. Pointless. I was always stronger than him. "I didn't say anything else, I swear! He just wanted to know where you were and I said I didn't know! He's been ringing everywhere!"

I narrowed my gaze at him. "Then why hasn't he just-"

"I hate to break up this charming domestic but Yamato, um, it's for you…" Koushiro said from the kitchen. I turned towards him and blinked in total confusion. I didn't even hear the phone ring. "What?" I blurted out. The burgundy haired teen held up the phone and twisted the receiver around in his hand. Realisation clicked. Oh no. Not now. I shot a worried glance at Takeru and he just shoved me off. Little snot…

I walked over and took the phone from Koushiro, swallowing hard. My mouth was really dry suddenly. "H-hello?" Smooth Yamato, sound like a whimpering fool; that'll _really_ earn his trust back. There was a pause on the other end before I heard someone make some incoherent noise; like they went to say something but thought better of it a second later. "Hi…Yamato…" I closed my eyes and just took in a deep breath, holding it for a second before letting it out shakily.

Taichi.

I felt like crying again… Why does he always do that to me?

I bit my bottom lip and turned away from the other two; I didn't need them to see the tears welling in my eyes. Figures. Two words from this guy and I'm almost bawling my damn eyes out again. Why have I been such an emotional screw up lately? God, better just to get it all out and suffer quickly.

"Taichi, I nev-"

"Yamato, what hap-"

We both stopped short and sighed at the same time. Two nervous people talking at the same time always make awkward situations worse. I closed my eyes and pressed my fingertips to my forehead, rubbing back and forth. "You first Taichi…" I sighed quietly. There was a brief pause on the other end before I heard the teen sigh again.

"Yamato…about yesterday…" he started nervously. I could just picture him standing at his phone, twisting the cord every which way in his fingers; a habit I've seen him do many a time. "I…I was wrong to try and force that sort of stuff out of you and I'm sorry… And about…" he trailed off and paused for a moment. "…About what…happened…between us…" He sounded like an eight-year-old talking about the indescribable 'it'.

"Yamato, what happens now?" he blurted out finally. My eyes snapped open and my breath lodged in my throat. Did he…? I swallowed hard as my eyes darted about the room. "I…" What the hell was I going to say to _that_? I bit my bottom lip, chewing it in quick thought. "Taichi, I…I never meant to hurt you, it just…"

"Yamato, you didn't hurt me. I've been thrown to the ground plenty of times; I play soccer you know." I closed my eyes tightly, my free hand balling at my side. "Taichi…that's not what I meant…" I mumbled. "Look, can…can we just meet somewhere? Preferably somewhere closer to my house this time? I need to…to explain something to you…" I twisted my head around, catching a quick glance of the lounge room. "Something important…"

"Sure thing Yamato," his voice was soft again. He was probably making fun of me before, about that soccer remark, just trying to lighten the mood, but I didn't need any humour right at this moment. I just needed to be with that someone that made me feel something. Oh I needed inspiration…um…

"You know the bridge to your place? How about that park my side of the river? Near the swings?" I said quickly. Please don't let this be another mistake. Please… "You got it Yamato. Ten minutes okay?" My heart was pounding in my chest again. I didn't want this to be another mistake. Wait a minute… "How can you get there in ten minutes?" I asked, frowning. He laughed at me. "Geez Yamato, I play soccer! I'm used to running!" He's going to be used to heart attack if he tries to run that distance…

"Whatever you say… Just…just be there on time alright?" I felt a faint smile grace my lips as I said those words; I just know he's going to be late again… Taichi just chuckled at me. "I will Yamato, don't worry!" I smiled fully at his statement. But I do worry… I worry more than you know… "See you then Taichi." I said quietly. "See you Yama-chan!" He hung up.

Yama-chan…

He called me…Yama-chan…

I don't know why but I leapt as high as I could into the air, punching skyward and grinning like I could put a thousand watt bulb to shame. I clicked the phone back down and practically leapt into the lounge room. "Koushiro, I thank you once again for letting me stay over but I really have to go right now," I tell him quickly, backing up to the door. "Takeru, I'm sorry for nearly killing you but I'll explain everything later!" I grabbed my jacket and hastily threw it on.

"Yamato! What's going on?" Takeru called to me quickly. I turned back to him and just grinned. I don't know _why_ I was so happy all of a sudden. I just was. "I'm meeting Taichi in the park. I'll see you two later!" I just laughed as I bolted out the door. I felt on top of the world when I should have been on rock bottom! What was with me!?

Nothing was with me…

But I wanted someone to be…

***

I folded my arms across my chest, tapping one finger against my arm. I swear I could feel a twitch developing in my left eye. I released a low growl from the back of my throat as I stood there, noticing as some mother pulled her child away quickly. I bared my teeth in a silent snarl as I sat down on the ground in a huff. He was late again… Idiot…

"Yamato!" I sat bolt up, all anger dissipating at my name. I twisted my head around this way and that, trying to find the source. "Taichi?" I stood up and brushed myself down. "Where the hell…?" I mumbled. "Yamato!" The teen cried from behind me.

I spun around only to be violently tackled in what could only be categorised as one vicious hug, throwing us both to the ground. I squirmed under my assailant enough to get one arm free. "Will you get off!? I like breathing dammit!!" I screamed at him. I was probably loud enough to vacate the entire area. Taichi just laughed and hugged me tighter. "Sorry I'm late Yamato!" He said cheerily and sat back up, ungraciously sliding off me. I sneered at him and sat up, brushing my mussed up hair out of my eyes. He grinned at me and I couldn't help but smile back; he was such a goof sometimes…

"Sorry I'm so late Yamato!" He repeated and brushed his hair out of his eyes. "But there was this real hang-up on the bridge. Would you believe me if I said that they've started road works on it overnight?" He flashed me a grin and I just shook my head, smiling faintly at him. "You're such an idiot sometimes… But I guess I believe you…" I paused, my eyes falling to my lap. "Taichi…about…about yesterday…"

He held up a hand to silence me from any more words and just smiled back at me. "Hey, you seemed pretty down yesterday and I just seemed to make it worse…" he rubbed the back of his neck, his smile fading as he avoided my eyes. "I wanted to…to apologise for it all and…and I was just wondering, like I said…" he stared back at me, worry in his gaze. "What happens now?" He glanced away briefly. "I mean, do we continue being friends, or what?"

I lowered my eyes to the ground. "I screwed up something shocking yesterday Taichi… I shouldn't have done that, and I'm sorry…" There was a long pause again. I hate those damn silences… "Yamato…" I gazed up at him. He fidgeted with the zipper on his jacket, looking away again; another nervous habit of his – fidgeting. "Don't be… I mean, if…if that's what happened then…that's what happened…" he forced a weak laugh. "You did seem kind of stressed yesterday anyway!"

"Taichi, don't make excuses…" I said mournfully. He wasn't making this any easier for me. I'd just made the biggest mistake of my life yesterday and now I had to face up to Taichi again to try and rectify this whole mess. "I did something completely stupid yesterday, and…and I…" I trailed off, shaking my head sadly. "I'm so sorry Taichi…" He hates me, I just know it… He cleared his throat quietly.

"I'm not."

I froze. He what? He wasn't?

Carefully and slowly, I raised my eyes to his. Holy crap he was smiling. Did that mean… Did he…? I sat there, completely lost for words, as he reached out and placed a hand on my cheek. I went a little tense under the contact; I really wasn't expecting him to be so open about something like this. I was expecting him to beat the living snot out of me perhaps…but not for him to accept it… Not so soon… "T-Taichi…?" I breathed, my voice catching in my throat. _What happens now?_ His question of before was now running through my mind.

"Yamato…what do you say we try again?" he smiled warmly at me and I unconsciously raised my hand to cover his, holding the warmth to my face for just a little longer. Try again? What did he mean by-? Oh hell…he means…but in public? Well, we weren't exactly in private yesterday either…but that was different…I think… But… Dammit, enough buts…

Taichi got slowly to his feet, extending a hand out for me. I took it and he gently helped me up. I can't believe how beautiful his hands feel against my skin… They weren't smooth or soft at all; instead they were warm, calloused in parts. I stared down at our hands, still holding each other, and smiled faintly at him. They were wonderful… I heard him chuckle and I looked back up into his eyes. "What's so funny Yamato?" he smirked.

I shrugged, gazing back down again. "I just…never thought we could ever be here like this…" My smile grew. "That we…we could ever hold hands like this…" I gazed back up at him, knowing that there were tears in my eyes. Aw hell, it wasn't like I was trying to keep them back; I was just so damn happy right at this point in time because…because… I blinked a few times, feeling as one tear slowly slipped down my cheek.

…Because I was right here with my Courage…

"Yamato," he reached up to gently brush away my tears with the pad of his thumb. "Just believe we are, and we are…" But…wait a minute… "Taichi, how…how long have you…?" He just smiled warmly at me, his coffee coloured eyes hiding something. "How long have we known each other? Because Yamato…" he paused for a second, his other hand reaching up to hold my cheek as well. "Yamato, I love you. I always have. Why do you think I became your best friend? It was so I could be closer to you."

I lost it right there. Tears streamed down my face only to be caught by Taichi's fingers still pressed to my skin. He drew me into a tight embrace and whispered soft words to my ears. He'd said it. He'd said those three little words that I'd always dreamed him saying. My heart felt like it was going to burst! "Taichi…I…I…" He drew back and stared deeply into my eyes, I could tell I was probably going a nice shade of crimson under his eyes.

"Silly," he smiled warmly at me. "You don't have to say it. I've known for a long time that you might, so it-" I pressed a finger to his lips, forcing him to stop talking as I gazed back at him. The look on his face was absolutely adorable; he was caught between smiling and confusion.

"Taichi, I love you too."

I let my finger slide away, trailing over his cheek and down to rest around his neck. I never knew how incredibly easy it was to say that to him. He let his smile slowly come back, the look in his eyes making my heart absolutely ache. His eyes began to sparkle with the tears that were welling within them and he showed no shame in leaving them there. "Yamato…" Taichi reached up to gently hold my face again. It was uncanny how his hand just fit so right on my cheek; like we were preordained to be together or something.

He moved forward until our foreheads were pressed together, his arms sliding around to rest on my shoulders. I blinked at him, a little startled by the closeness between us. He just smiled at me, leaning forward to press his lips to mine. I took in a hitching breath, a soft moan taken with it, at the gentle contact. My eyes slid shut as my hands ran up his sides and eventually around his waist, groping blindly as my fogged brain failed to give me any further instructions.

I suffered a mild panic attack – what would happen if someone sees us? Oh hell… Then again the thought of doing something indecent in public would be a good chance to boost my courage. I think. God, I'm such an exhibitionist… Well, not really… Then again, I'm not sure; I've never been sure about anything like this. Aw hell, I have no idea…

Taichi slowly withdrew and I was left in that state where you can still feel that one kiss on your lips; still caught between stop and go. I slowly opened my eyes and gazed, half-lidded, into his beautiful coffee coloured ones. "No idea…" I breathed. I was sure he had the same look on his face as I did. He half-smiled at me, the action tugging at the corners of his mouth and his brow furrowed. "About what?" Have got to stop thinking out loud… I just smiled warmly at him.

"No idea how much better that was than yesterday…" I grinned at him. I can almost definitely feel a school-girl giggle coming on. He just smiled back at me and brushed a stray lock of blonde from my face. He stared up at his fingers and his smile grew. "What? Have I got flesh-eating bugs in my hair or something?"

He chuckled softly and shook his head. "No silly… Just admiring you…" I blinked at him, feeling my face heat up. He was _what_? He chuckled softly and gave my nose a quick kiss. "Yamato, you fluster too easily!" Taichi chuckled at me, which only caused me to blush brighter. "Fluster?" I squeaked out. "I'll show you fluster!" I swear, I was grinning like a maniac.

Taichi burst out laughing as I launched an all-out tickle attack on his sides. "Yah! Give up yet!?" I cried, laughing like a maniac. Taichi could barely get any words out as he stumbled back, both of us falling to the ground with me landing on top of him. I pushed myself up hastily, still leaning over him. "Taichi!" Oh hell, I hope I didn't crush him… He grinned up at me and wiped the tears from his eyes. "What? You didn't kill me Yamato; don't get so flustered…" He flashed me a quick wink. Idiot…

I folded my arms on his chest and leant there, smiling down at him as I straddled his waist. He really did have the nicest eyes, and now that I actually had the opportunity to gaze into them whenever I wanted, I wasn't going to waste a second. I made a contented sound and cocked my head to the side, watching him like some strange bird. Courage takes trust. Maybe I could trust Taichi with my thoughts. My smile widened.

I know I can trust Taichi.

He's more than my best friend.

He's my Courage.

"Taichi, can I tell you something?" I said carefully. Maybe if I could put it into words, then it wouldn't haunt me so much. Then again, maybe if I did, Taichi would get scared off by me again. The brunette in question nodded his head. "Of course you can Yamato; you can tell me anything. Well, unless it's life threatening that is." He gave me another playful wink. He was absolutely adorable at some times, now that I think about it.

I sighed and lay down fully, resting my chin on my arms and feeling as his arms instantly wrapped around my waist as I settled down. "Taichi, I have a confession to make…" Maybe it would only help him understand me more. Then again, it would probably just flatter him instead; this is Taichi we're talking about. I gazed down at his shirt, avoiding his eyes. "I can't survive on my own courage… I…I'm a real coward when it comes to emotions… I need to take other people's courage and use it for myself." That sounded…kinda awkward. "What I'm trying to say is… Taichi, would…" I took in a quick breath and narrowed my eyes, fingers idly tracing the design on his jacket. "Would you be…my courage?"

He didn't say any thing for a long moment and I was worried that I'd said the wrong thing to him. I closed my eyes. What if he rejected me? I've never asked anyone something this important before. I felt as his arms tightened around me and I slowly lifted my head up to meet his eyes. I was as nervous as hell. I must look like a scared two-year-old in his eyes. But Taichi…he simply smiled at me and reached around to place a hand on my cheek, stroking it absently.

"Yamato…you never needed to ask…" he said softly, shaking his head ever so slightly, just enough to brush that one bang into his eyes. I swept it away out of reflex and swallowed hard. "You've always had my courage before…always…" his smile widened, turning into something more warm. "But…if you want to hear it… Yes Yamato, I will be your courage…"

I stared back into his eyes for a moment before I rested my head on his chest again, a faint smile finding my lips. Closing my eyes, I just lay there and listened to the rhythmic beating of his heart, fully content for the first time in a long while. "Taichi…" As long as I was on a roll…

"Mmm?" was his quiet response. I had to use my courage once more. "That fight I was in… Do you know what stopped me from fighting back?" He was a little taken aback by the question; I guess he was expecting something completely different. The brunette slowly shook his head, or so I felt, and his fingers idly began to rub my back in an almost fidgety manner. He was fidgeting again. Which meant he was nervous again. Oh dammit… "I think I do…but I'm…not sure…" he paused for a second. His voice was so hushed, like he was afraid I was going to tell him off or something. "It…it was me…wasn't it?" I opened my eyes and stared at nothing in particular. He nailed it right on the head. Except…

"Not quite…" I whispered. "It…it was…" I swallowed against the lump in my throat. "It was your eyes that made me stop because…because I never had the courage to start… You just…stood there and looked at me with that stare of yours that says you…you should run away and forget you were ever there, but you couldn't just…just leave…" Taichi, I think, guessed I wasn't finished because he stopped rubbing my back and just lay there, holding me close. "I just…I never had that courage before, Taichi…" This was harder to say than I had first thought. "Even through all the battles we've ever fought; everything we had to go through…I never had your sort of courage, Taichi…" I narrowed my eyes.

"I never had your courage…"

Taichi placed his hand back on my cheek, forcing me to look into his eyes for a moment. He kissed me deeply, running his hand through my hair to sit at the nape of my neck. He drew back slowly and just smiled at me. He had the most wonderful smile… It brought back everything good to my heart again; just like when I held him on Spiral Mountain. He was so hurt and so helpless, so afraid that I wouldn't be there… When I cradled him in my arms, I just knew that this was how I wanted him…

"Yamato…" he breathed. And now I was in his arms. He smiled sadly at me. "I've said it before and I'll say it again… You've always had the most courage out of anyone I know. Everything you've ever been through just makes you a more wonderful person. It makes me want to help you and protect you forever and ever. It just takes so much courage to go through what you've had to go through." He smiled genuinely at me, brushing a stray lock of blonde from my eyes, his hand resting gently on my cheek. "You _are_ a strong person Yamato… Why would a person with no courage cry over his lost brother? Why would they join their best friend in what could possibly have been his last moments alive, saying he was willing to die for them? Why would he keep fighting when he knew that the only things on his side were a rag-tag bunch of kids and a few powerless friends?" Taichi gave a weak laugh and shook his head softly at me. "A few of what could have been many lost causes." He smiled warmly at me.

"And all through everything…you stuck with me Yamato…" he whispered. "Your friendship…your courage; your love…everything about you…" he trailed off, shaking his head. "You stayed by my side… You were there when everything took a turn for the worse and you stuck with me because of your courage…" He brushed his thumb across my cheek; it was warm against my cold skin. "Because of you…everything ended happily… Without you…neither of us would be here…no one would be here…" he chuckled softly. "You helped save _both_ worlds Yamato. If that isn't called courage, I don't know what is…"

Taichi certainly knew how to speak his mind, no doubt about that.

"It was always there Yamato… That's what made our Crests glow… Our different Crests are all of the different qualities within ourselves; we were just individually chosen to be leaders among those qualities," he paused for a second, just staring back at me. "Your sense of loyalty and justice is what made you the Keeper of Friendship. Your courage is the strongest among all of us; it's what makes you special; it's the thing that binds you to your friends. But…" Taichi trailed off for a second, stroking his thumb across my cheek again.

"But you'll still be Yamato…no matter what you go through… You'll still have all the courage you need, no matter what the obstacle… You'll still be you…" Taichi smiled warmly at me. His eyes were so full of truth that I couldn't help but smile back at him. "Ishida Yamato…Keeper of Friendship… Don't ever wish that you weren't…"

***

Taichi and I never really spoke of what we told each other those past few days. It's been a few weeks now and I can still remember his words as clearly as if he'd just said them to me. We never needed to talk anymore about our deepest feelings; I was satisfied with what I had already told him and I think he was as well.

Sometimes, during those weeks, I would get depressed about it and it hurt so much to remember it all. Trying to describe the pain of emotional hell is not something one should try to do on a daily basis. But whenever I started to waver, Taichi would just hold me in his arms and we would just stay like that. Never speaking…just holding. Clinging to each other like we would be torn apart so viciously by my horrible emotions.

Taichi respects my feelings now. He understands them all better than my family ever could. I can still remember when we sat up one night about two weeks ago. We had both gone up to the roof of his apartment building and just sat, watching the stars. I was lying on my back and Taichi just came and lay next to me. I turned to him and we just smiled at each other. We stayed like that for a long time; just smiling…

And then he asked me, "Hey Yamato, what did you think of me the first time we met each other?" Like I said; Taichi is very blunt in how he says things. I chuckled at him and propped myself up on one elbow to fully gaze at him. "Why so interested?" He smirked, knowing this conversation. "I just am. Is that so wrong?" I gave him a one-shouldered shrug and smiled back at him.

"Depends," I replied bluntly. One of his eyebrows went up in a dubious manner. "Depends?" I was grinning; I couldn't help it. "Depends on whether you think it's degrading or not." He chuckled and shrugged from his place on his back. "I can handle it; I have a sibling," he joked. I took in a quick breath. "You really want to know?" He nodded. "Well I thought you were charming, witty, talented, attractive, smart…"

Taichi burst out laughing, cutting me off. "Yeah right! Now tell me the _truth_ Yamato!" he giggled. He's the only guy I know that can giggle; it's weird…but it's him. I wouldn't have him change for anything else in the world. I snorted at him. "Truthfully? I thought you were a complete jerk; you couldn't lead a duck to water; you were so up yourself it wasn't funny; your attitude really bugged me; you always contradicted anything anyone else would say; you had to be our leader or else heads would roll; and generally you just annoyed the hell out of me," I took a quick breath.

"But you were loyal… I could see that in you," I smiled warmly at him, brushing his hair back a bit. "You had a true sense of determination and justice behind that goofy, arrogant exterior. I still think you do after seven years of knowing you Taichi." And then, he just smiled back at me with that wonderful warmth-bringing smile that is only his. Except…there was something different to it this time. It was something else.

Sincerity. Trust. Love.

"You really mean that Yamato?" he said quietly. "That's what you really thought of me?" How could I not have? I was so judgemental back in my stupider days; I _had_ to have seen some of those qualities in him. So, stupider I may have been, I was still carrying with me that sense of perception I had back then. I have the ability to look at someone and judge them by their best and worst traits hiding behind their eyes.

I nodded at him. "Of course I do Taichi. I wouldn't have any reason to lie to you about something as important as that, now would I?" I smiled down at him. He gazed back at me for a long moment, his coffee coloured eyes now ebony in the lack of light. I could still see the tiniest reflection of light from the city below and in the distance shining in his eyes. He looked so beautiful in the pale light of night time.

Taichi smiled back at me and just snuggled closer, his arm wrapping around me as he whispered a barely audible, "Thank you, Yama-chan…" I closed my eyes, my own arm reaching around his shoulders to hold him close, prolonging the warmth to my body. I let a soft chuckle escape me. "Hey you wanted to know; I was only telling you…" I told him quietly. Like I said earlier; he was so perfect to hold, like it was preordained or something.

He had his eyes closed, his cheek pressed to my chest; I knew he was listening to my heartbeat. That was something we both liked to do. Whenever we could, we would just lie and listen to the other's heartbeat; like we had to prove that we were still there; that it wasn't just some fantasy we would eventually wake up from. If any of it is a fantasy, then I want to leave it in my sleep with Taichi at my side, holding me close to his warmth.

"Hang on…" his voice broke into my thoughts. "Whaddaya mean 'goofy'?"

I laughed loudly at him and rolled onto my back, my voice echoing into the night. Taichi clambered on top of me and sat there, grinning like an idiot as he grabbed both my wrists and waited for me to stop laughing. I snickered at him, sniffling out of reflex. "Get off you great lump…" I said jokingly. Taichi shook his head stubbornly.

"Not until you take it back!" He poked his tongue out at me. Now that's mature… Well then, if he wants to play this game, so be it. "Nuh uh! You're goofy and immature and ugly and you're a _lump_!" I laughed at him again and he pouted at me; an obviously false offence coming to his face. "You think I'm ugly…?" he whined, his bottom lip quivering slightly. "Yeah, yer a blight," I chuckled at him. "But you're my blight…"

Faster then he could think, I'd grabbed him by the collar and pulled him down for a deep kiss. He instantly threaded his hands through my hair; I loved the feeling of his hands in my hair. The way his hands sit so perfectly on my cheek; how warm his hands are around mine… He's simply perfect in my eyes. Taichi makes me feel whole; like I've been missing something my entire life and it's suddenly found me.

We never spent any more time together than what we normally did; that just made the time we spent together seem more special. When we were with each other, we would always hold each other and just stay next to one another. Taichi is one of a kind. He's one of my kind. I'd like to think we'll always be there for one another. It's a comforting thought…

And I'd like to think that I'd never be without Courage again.

~Das Ende  
  


  
  
Taichi: *on verge of tears* That was...the most semi-sap story...I've ever heard...  
Chan: Eh?? It was angst you moron! And whaddaya mean 'semi-sap'?  
Yamato: Yeah but to him, the ending is the only thing that counts.  
*Taichi starts bawling uncontrollably*  
Chan: Sheesh...somebody get that guy a Kleenex...  
Van: You did it again didn't you?  
Chan: I have no idea what you're talking about...  
Irvine: Sure you don't.  
Chan: What??  
Van: You're just cruel...  
Chan: Wha...HUH!?  
Yamato: Hey, do you three stooges mind?? He's suffering from severe over-sap enditis over here!!  
Irvine and Van: Angst Queen strikes again... Roll out the Kleenex and duck tape...  
Chan: *incredulous* What the bloody hell did I do!? I like suffering bishounen!! It makes for a better ending!!  
Taichi: *still bawling* SEMI-SAPPY!!!  
Yamato: *rolls eyes* Oy vey... 


End file.
